By: Bec Fordyce
Image: Author’s Own
Recently, a very dear friend of mine discovered her boyfriend of three years has been keeping a secret from her.
The secret is one of the most reprehensible things I have ever heard.
It is clear that she is the secret (and secondary) part of his life.
Had I been in her shoes, I would have kicked his ass to the curb.
Ever since she’s found out the news, she’s consulted multiple psychics and energy healers. She’s meditated. She’s prayed. She’s asked her tarot cards for answers. But never has she admitted the truth to herself.
She is not important in this man’s life.
The most delicious irony is that her apartment is adorned with motivational and inspirational signs. The one that has always stood out to me says:
Never chase love, affection or attention.
If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having.
Trite and as cheesy as it may be – they’re wise words and they ring true.
She should probably read the sign and let the quote sink in.
Mind you, it’s a bit rich of me to judge. I’ve certainly fought for some rather questionable things myself. It took me a decade of living in New York to meet a good partner. My marriage failed miserably. I dated my share of narcissists, fuckboys and momma’s boys. I was miserable- I just wanted love.
I spent almost a decade pining after a man who bread-crumbed me. I was enamored with him. I put so much of my self-worth into him. Getting an Instagram “like” or a text from him was like winning the lottery.
I knew I was only second best, but for whatever reason, he was it to me.
That glimmer of hope was all I needed. I completely lost my self-worth in the process vying for his affections.
I hated all of the games.
Don’t reply immediately to a text, or he’ll think you’re too eager.
Don’t be the first person to like his Instagram post. And only like it if he liked something you posted that day.
Make sure you meet up after 11pm – on a week night – when there’s nobody else around.
Never, ever let on how I truly feel, because in my heart of all hearts, I knew he did not feel the same way.
I was a dirty secret…and it hurt.
I can empathize with my friend for deciding to keep persisting with her boyfriend. While I didn’t go the new age route, I was still deluding myself in my own ways. I get it. Hope is what keeps us going. At the same time, it’s very upsetting to witness a friend go through a similar experience.
Especially, when you’ve come out the other side.
When I met my current boyfriend, we were on the same page from the word “go”. When we went on our first date, it was very apparent that we liked each other. He wasn’t afraid to admit it, and neither was I. I never felt anxious about when he would reply to a text. If he said he’d show up, he’d show up. There’s never been games, and we are always able to have a conversation, no matter how difficult it is. Ultimately, I know that he has my back. He wants the best for me.
My quality of life has improved simply by having a loving and healthy relationship.
Love is obvious.
You don’t have to play silly games or second guess when it is the real deal. You don’t need to consult other-worldly oracles, cards or the stars.
You don’t have to feel anxious about them when you aren’t together.
You just know.
Learning to love yourself sometimes means letting go. It can be terrifying and uncertain, but it clears the path to finding the right person.